I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
