Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
