we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
