apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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