Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
