I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
