got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
