420 ftw
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
