What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
