I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
