it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
