can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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