I think my fart just growled at me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
