i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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