is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
