Sorry, I don't speak sober.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She bit a glass in half.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
