Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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