i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
