dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
