Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
