Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
