3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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