I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
