I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
