So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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