I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
