last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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