Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So squirting runs in the family.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
