if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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