if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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