No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
