It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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