Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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