why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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