Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
well you can't waste a boner
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
