I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
