Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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