Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
