I think I am morally bankrupt
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
