census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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