Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
