She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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