Moan for me like Helen Keller
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
