why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
