My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
