I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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