This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
