My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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