I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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