we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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